True Confession: ‘What If I told Him I Loved Him?’

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It was one of those days, the sun had just begun to set as I made my way home from my office feeling very exhausted and wondering how I was going to make it home on time to release Alice; my son Abraham’s nanny off her duty. While standing at the intersection of Carey and Lynch Street not knowing which way would be best to stand in order to quickly catch a cab, there to my surprise a green Range Rover pulled over right in front of me.

At first, I hesitated because the vehicle had tinted windows and I was afraid of entering in an unknown car not knowing what might happen to me. But taking into consideration how difficult it was trying to catch a taxi at that particular hour, nearing dusk, I walked to the vehicle. To my surprise there sat in the driver's seat my long lost ‘crush’ Joe who I had not seen in a little over five years. Seeing this guy again after so long brought back a fresh memory of feelings I had for him which, I had thought, with time would heal but I guess I was wrong because looking into his face brought a shiver into my body that only one that has an emotional control over me, could. I was really excited to see my old crush once more with hopes and thoughts that maybe it was fate that brought him back into my life, most especially the fact that I was now a single woman. Quickly, I hurried into the car with so much hope! As I entered the vehicle I noticed another guy sitting in the passenger's seat who I later found out was his new best friend. And then the conversation started:

Me: Gosh! It's been ages! Where have you been all these years?

Joe: I was in Ghana for a while and came back last year.

Me: Wow and you did not even bother checking up on me after all my inquiries about you?

Joe: No it's not like that, I have been asking about you but most of my friends didn't seem to know you. Plus I lost all my contacts when I lost my phone.

Me: Anyway it's all in the past now. I'm so glad to see you. So do you still live on Duport Road?

Joe: No, I moved on the Old Road (hesitating a little when he said that).

Me: Oh good! You're not far from me because I live right at the Airfield shortcut.

My expectation was high, hoping, now that we've seen each other again, maybe it was fate and this time around we could actually start something intimate; remembering how he had chased me for over seven years and at that time I had told him I was saving myself for marriage. I was 80% sincere about my response to him but half of it was also due to the fact that I was afraid of getting my heart broken. He had recently come out of college and wasn't ready for any kind of serious relationship, at least that was what I thought. But it still didn't change the fact that I had feelings for him and all I did was to suppress those feelings at the time. Seeing him all over made me realize how much I still wanted him. So engrossed in our conversation, I had totally forgotten that there was someone else in the car with us; until Joe began to struggle with his response when I asked him where exactly on the Old Road he was living. And that's when his friend decided to break the ice!

Friend: But are you not going to tell her the truth?

Me: Tell me what truth?

Friend: (Thrusting a wedding invitation card in my hand) He's getting married in two weeks and he lives with his fiancé on the Old Road.

I couldn't believe what I heard. My heart sank because my hope was shattered. My entire soul left my body for at least 30 seconds; disappointment was an understatement! My ears could not believe what they had just heard; my heart refused to send the message to my brain, that my long-lost love was getting married to another woman. Immediately my mind shut down with only seven thoughts of "What If” questions for me to consider.

What if he was the one for me? What if I had not refused his love? What if I hadn't told him I was keeping myself for marriage? What if I tried to change his mind? What if I told him that I loved him? What if I offered him all that he ever wanted; my body, soul, heart and mind? Would all of these make any difference now that I knew he had found love elsewhere? What if this was all an illusion, a hallucination of what my mind wanted it to be?

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